Let Go of Perfection to Let Go of PMDD
So much of my resistance to PMDD came from trying to maintain the charade of perfection that I'd been trying to keep up my whole life!
Mindfulness and Acceptance taught me to be present, not perfect. That the full spectrum of emotions is normal. That the aim is not to feel better, but to get better at feeling.
And here's the crazy thing that happened when I let those ideas in...not ONLY did I feel so much better in my life with PMDD, but I also, finally, felt willing and able to open up to other challenges I'd been resisting my entire life!
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In this episode, I reflect on a recent interview I did with my first mindfulness teacher, Nikki Wilson. I thought I had lost the episode and wanted to capture my experience and my thoughts before the memory of it became diluted in my mind. Good news though: the files were saved and that interview will be featured in an upcoming episode!
So, listen in as I discuss how my mindfulness and acceptance journey has helped to break me free from the impossible (and thus, never-ending) quest to be "perfect"...and get it all right...and not make mistakes. (Ugh, just thinking about it is exhausting!) -
Title: Let Go of Perfection to Let Go of PMDD
Episode number: 16
Date: 02.23.24
Solo episode: Diane is the only speaker
EXCERPT (00:00)
But also, I think so much of my resistance to PMDD, my resentfulness of PMDD, and my inability and unwillingness to go with the flow of my cycle came not only because PMDD is hard and does suck, but also because PMDD just proved how impossible it is to keep up that charade of trying to be perfect and get everything done right and thoroughly and efficiently, tick off all the boxes, and do it all in a culture that is not set up for living according to our real needs, according to our cycles, according to just being human. I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't keep up that charade anymore. And that made me feel a lot of shame. And the shame made me feel angry until I was ready to recognize how sad I really was.
And so a remarkable thing happened when I did start bringing mindfulness and acceptance into my life with PMDD, which is that I found it touching all sorts of areas of my life that I really hadn't been able to open myself to in quite this way before.
INTRO (01:26)
If you want to learn how you can live better with PMDD, this podcast was created for you. This is Mindfulness for PMDD with Diane. I'm Diane and I'm a registered dietitian and lactation consultant. I'm also a mom, a PMDD warrior, and a trauma-informed mindfulness teacher. And this is where I discuss topics related to PMDD through the lens of mindfulness and meditation and where I share all about how mindfulness has gotten me to a place of greater peace and acceptance with my PMDD.
I also chat with people who have helped and inspired me along the way so they can share their wisdom with you too. So let's get started.
SAFETY NOTE / DISCLAIMER (02:17)
This podcast is not a substitute for psychological therapy or medical advice. Please take care when listening to this podcast, as some may find certain words or subjects triggering or difficult to hear. Take only what serves you and leave the rest behind.
WHEN A LOST INTERVIEW BECOMES A CHANCE TO REFLECT (02:33)
Hello, my friends. I am day 25. This morning, I was feeling pretty good. I mean, I wanted to sleep in a little bit. I didn't want to go for a very long walk, but I do have a dog that needs to be walked, so I did get outside. But basically, anything I was feeling could probably be chalked up to normal PMS, or normal for someone in the luteal phase, or normal for wintertime, or heck, normal for being a human being.
And then something really great. I recorded an interview with my first mindfulness teacher, Nikki Wilson, who's also the CEO of a UK-based organization called Make Birth Better. They are doing very important and impactful work around birth trauma, something very close to my heart.
The conversation was so good. And then when I went to check on the status of my recordings, I discovered that I only had my audio and not hers. I mean, literally, you could only hear me asking questions and then saying, mm-hmm. Yep. Oh, wow.
It was heartbreaking. I mean, I'm laughing now, but I was very nearly in tears. I felt so lucky that Nikki had agreed to make the time to talk with me and that we were able to schedule a time that worked for both of us, with me being in Austin and her being in London.
And I felt so lucky that I had the opportunity to ask her anything I wanted. I could have talked to her all day long to the extent that there were so many times I had to bite my tongue and not stop to respond or highlight some brilliant thing that she said, or go off on tangents, in order for us to just stay on schedule.
MINDFULNESS SHOWED ME THE FALSE NARRATIVE I HAD BEEN LIVING BY (05:05)
So once I collected myself and reminded myself not to worry until there was truly something to worry about, since we're still trying to retrieve the files, I decided that I would collect my thoughts here and reflect on some of the things that Nikki and I talked about.
So, as Nikki and I were talking, our conversation reinforced for me something that I've been reflecting on lately. And that is that while I've always lived with varying degrees of anxiety and I had depression that came and went, all my trauma sort of came to a head only after I began to work on my relationship with my PMDD through my mindfulness and acceptance work, meaning beginning to separate myself from my thoughts and feelings and rediscovering my core values.
And then actively making decisions in my life and changing things up in a way that would move me closer to my values. All of this also made me see the false narrative, basically, that I had created for myself and my life and that I had been living by long before PTSD and PMDD.
I saw how I was always living, trying to reach some ideal or some level of perfection that wasn't my own, but also wasn't even someone else's necessarily. It was made up out of my assumptions that grew out of my experiences in life and how I soaked up those and translated them and what I took my experiences to mean. I mean, I was living my life based on fear and anxiety and what I thought other people's expectations were of me.
And so a remarkable thing happened when I did start bringing mindfulness and acceptance into my life with PMDD, which is that I found it touching all sorts of areas of my life that I really hadn't been able to open myself to in quite this way before, and not for lack of trying.
WHEN PMDD MAKES THE PERFECTION CHARADE IMPOSSIBLE (07:37)
So Nikki used to always say, present, not perfect. And she wasn't just referring to mindfulness and meditation, she was referring to life. So not only do I think that my lifelong anxiety and depression came from a place of always trying to hide my flaws and not rock the boat, and play it safe, and not make mistakes.
But also, I think so much of my resistance to PMDD, my resentfulness of PMDD, and my inability and unwillingness to go with the flow of my cycle came not only because PMDD is hard and does suck, but also because PMDD just proved how impossible it is to keep up that charade of trying to be perfect and get everything done right and thoroughly and efficiently, tick off all the boxes, and do it all in a culture that is not set up for living according to our real needs, according to our cycles, according to just being human.
I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't keep up that charade anymore. And that made me feel a lot of shame. And the shame made me feel angry until I was ready to recognize how sad I really was.
GETTING BETTER AT FEELING INSTEAD OF FORCING YOURSELF TO FEEL BETTER (09:10)
Another thing Nikki and I talked about is the idea of sitting with discomfort and how that's a very hard thing for many, if not most, if not all of us to do. We go through life thinking we're supposed to be happy all the time, and if we're not happy, we have to figure out how to get through it as quickly as possible.
And we celebrate people who appear to get to the other side quickly and gracefully. But as Nikki would say, it is real to feel. Feeling is human. The full spectrum of emotions is human, and natural, and normal. We aren't supposed to feel happy all the time, and probably not even most of the time.
Another mindfulness teacher of mine often says, the aim of mindfulness is not to feel better, but to get better at feeling. That's Shamash Alidina. Maybe it's someone else, but I got that from Shamash Alidina. And so PMDD doesn't just go away. There will be times that feel better and times that feel worse, but can we find a way to put some space between ourselves and our thoughts and feelings so we aren't completely swallowed up by our challenging thoughts and emotions?
And instead, can we take a step back and see what it is we're experiencing, and then see if we can allow that to be without trying to fix or fight? Can we see our experience almost as if we're standing outside of ourselves, observing? Maybe as a kind friend would, can we make space for curiosity and flexibility and experimenting and possibility?
And can we use that creative and kind thinking that isn't so attached to our previous expectations of ourselves and our lives? And can we find a new intentional way to move forward that honors the things that matter the most to us? And that allow us to have a life that feels so rich and meaningful, even as we live with PMDD. This is what I work on in my own life. And what I have created or set out to create in my program and with my clients.
A PROGRAM BUILT FOR SMALL, SIMPLE MINDFULNESS PRACTICES (11:47)
So, I think this is a really good time to share a little bit about my program, Live Better with Mindfulness for PMDD. It's three months of mindfulness and acceptance coaching developed specifically for those of us living with PMDD, and you can do it and benefit from it really at any stage of your PMDD journey.
Because with the tools you'll add to your toolbox, you can put the brakes on when you're freaking out or have something to help you get through life while waiting on a diagnosis. You will begin to invite more space between you and your thoughts and feelings so that you can identify less with your PMDD and reconnect more with your true self.
And as you discover or rediscover your values, you will find yourself able to say no to those things that really don't serve you and yes to the things that bring you closer to living the kind of life you want to live, because you can live a richer, more meaningful life with PMDD.
Now, if you're thinking I've tried mindfulness before, or all that sounds nice, but I just don't feel like I have the capacity right now to sit and do long meditations or learn something new or add one more thing to my life. I hear you because I felt the same.
I knew from how mindfulness helped me with PTSD that it could help me with PMDD, but I needed to find a new way to do it. So I created this program, or when it was just me, I guess it was just my own practice, my own routine, where everything is really short and simple for you.
There are no hour-long sessions to sit through, and you don't have to remember to practice mindfulness or try a mindfulness exercise every day because I'm there inviting you and prompting you throughout the week with different offerings.
And so if you're interested, here's your next step. You can go to the show notes and click the link to book a chat with me. There is no cost involved. It's completely commitment free. And we get to chat PMDD and chat what's worked for you and what hasn't, and what questions you have about the program. And more importantly, I get to meet you. I get to meet someone else with PMDD. I would love to meet you and chat.
All right, so let's get back to the podcast and what all I chatted with Nikki about.
WHEN YOUR TOOLBOX HAS TO CHANGE WITH YOUR CYCLE AND YOUR LIFE (14:41)
So another thing Nikki and I touched upon is the idea that the toolbox of support will look different from person to person because our needs are different. And even for one person, your toolbox might look different from cycle to cycle or from one season of life to the next.
And what I mean by toolbox is like all the things that you use to help you manage your PMDD or your chronic condition, right? So that might be therapy. That might be meds. That might be time out in nature. That might be walks or yoga or getting plenty of sleep. It might be, you know, the food you choose to put in your body. And it might be mindfulness.
Both of us, in a way, felt that there were times where mindfulness was really the thing in the toolbox that carried us along and kept us going. For me, I even think it helped my other tools to be more effective.
So I feel like I often call my mindfulness the anchor of my self-management because it — the mindfulness — felt like it was actually helping my therapy to work better and my meds to work better. And because of the way that mindfulness helped me to get better at feeling. Because of the way that mindfulness helped me to get better at feeling and show myself more kindness and understanding.
Also for both of us, there was a time in the beginning of our experiences where we either didn't yet have a diagnosis, or were still trying to figure out what was working and what wasn't. And by the way, I do want to say, you know, I'm sort of paraphrasing or translating some of the things that Nikki said to me. And so, you know, I may not be getting it exactly right and I just want to acknowledge that and honor that.
But there were some points where our experiences were similar. And so, you know, I at least want to highlight that a lot of us are going through the same things, or similar things. And so, as I said, for both of us, there was a time in the beginning of our experiences where either we didn't have a diagnosis or we're still trying to figure out what works, what doesn't.
And it's that thing of, I need something that I can do right now that is going to help me get through my days and help me find a little relief. And so for both of us, that was sort of the entry point. And then our relationships with mindfulness grew and evolved from there.
SELF-KINDNESS, CONNECTION, AND LETTING MINDFULNESS BE IMPERFECT (17:44)
My talk with Nikki also made me think about how showing my self-kindness also helped me to reconnect with others. PMDD can be very isolating. You might feel like other people just don't get it, or you might experience horrific social anxiety. I know I did. Or you might find that it is affecting your relationships with the people you are closest to. Also true for me.
And for me, I discovered that working on self-kindness and compassion reminded me that one, we're all just humans walking this earth, each with our own challenges and each just trying to survive and feel love and kindness for ourselves. And two, that PMDD doesn't just affect me, it affects those I love, and I want to acknowledge that and honor that.
Lastly, I want to circle back to the perfection thing that just as there is no perfect person and there is no such thing as perfection, there's also no such thing as a perfect mindfulness practice or a quote unquote right way to practice mindfulness.
And really, the way we practice mindfulness in modern Western culture is inspired by, pulled from, Buddhist tradition, but it's not [unclear]. I don't necessarily practice mindfulness every day, and when I do, it looks different from one day to the next, from one cycle to the next.
And so I think that really, if you are showing up in the world, just trying to be open and aware and kind and accepting, and then just trying your best to make choices that reflect that, that you're doing it. You're doing it.
It's not easy to be human. It's not easy to have PMDD. It's not easy to have chronic illness. I think I just heard yesterday or today that, like, one third of the world's adult population lives with chronic illness. That's just chronic illness, folks. Just one of the many challenges we face in life. Life is messy, life is hard. So if you can, please try to find a moment to slow down and show yourself some love.
OUTRO (20:51)
Goodbye, friends.
Thank you so much for listening. If you liked the show, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. For links to everything mentioned in this episode, you can check out the show notes and you can find me, Diane DeJesus, on Instagram @mindfulnessforpmdd. Now I invite you to pause, take a breath, and look around.
